Today's my birthday "party," if you want to call it - basically a movie day with friends. There will be cupcakes and other junk food, which I suppose helps with the party aspect. I hope it goes, and that everyone can come. I have a good feeling about it... my friends really aren't the dramatic type, and there are just a few coming - only my best guy friend, two close girl friends, and my boyfriend.

Only about a month left of school... I want it to end so much. Yesterday it was about 80 degrees, and after school my boyfriend and I spent more than an hour lying in a big grassy field near his house, just letting the sun shine on us. It made me remember how much I miss summer, and how much I want it this year more than I ever have.

I'm trying to make my computer run faster. I've deleted all the programs we can do without and gone through a zillion files; I've gotten the used memory down to a little over a fourth of the total capacity. I'm not noticing much difference in the running speed, though. Does anyone have suggestions? I've run a defrag a couple of times (in between mass cleanouts), but that doesn't seem to do much.

       We're going to try.

       I know it's probably a bit silly, and it's probably going to be tougher than just giving up, but it's what I want to do. I feel a lot better about it now - even if it IS going to take time.

       What happens when you're trying so hard to fix things that when you realize that it's not working, you're too exhausted to think of anything else?

       I can't figure out what to do. I've been trying and trying and I know - I think - he has too, but nothing's working. We're not working. I'm not sure what it is. For most of the five months we've been together, things were fine. And then they just started changing. We fight a lot, and sometimes it works out quickly, sometimes it doesn't - but never in a "fixed" way; it's more that one of us gives in and says "forget it." Usually it's both of us, to some extent. I care about him a lot - more than I ever have about anyone else - but I can't see this going on much longer. I cry far too much over it all, and sometimes - this is what scares me the most - I have moments where I just stop caring about what will happen. It's like without wanting to, I'm already giving up.

       So should I keep trying? Or is it time to try and let go? I don't know how much longer I can try to fix it. And I don't want to hurt him by dragging it out. I wish I had more experience in this...

25 things about me. Post one in your journal too!


1. I love to write and I want to write for a living, but I've hardly penned a fictional word in months and I'm scared to death.
2. I think I'm in love but at the same time, it's hard to be sure. However, I am positive that I need him and my heart would shatter if he went away.
3. I'm sometimes scared of how people really see me. Lately I've had the worst self-esteem issues, and I just feel worthless.
4. I have crazy dreams, some of which scare me. The bad ones usually somehow reflect things I'm worried about or scared of but sometimes don't realize that I am.
5. The past couple of days I've been rearranging and going through everything in my room and I'm amazed at how much I've written. I have dozens of notebooks and hundreds of loose papers that really reflect a lot about my life when I wrote them, even though they're fiction.
6. I worry way, way too much.
7. Next to my best friend, who is nearly perfect academically and always scores those few points higher than me in everything, I sometimes feel worthless.
8. The Lord of the Rings movies have made me cry. It's usually from Sam and his amazing loyalty to Frodo... Sam's my favorite character purely because of that.
9. I love anything related to apples.
10. I don't care about most of his faults - love him more for them, even - but there's just the one that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to completely accept.
11. I cry way too much lately. I'm a walking fountain.
12. I've gone through periods of having amazing self-confidence and then, like now, times when I mostly hate myself.
13. None of my classes are really fun to me, yet I'm acing them all without much effort.
14. My coffee obsession died not very long after mom bought me a coffee maker last Christmas.
15. I will never, ever, ever be able to drop my habit of picking at/biting my nails. Ever.
16. I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I never will.
17. I get annoyed and I let it simmer. I try to get over it but it's difficult.
18. I hate being asked what's wrong when I'm upset, mostly by people who don't care but are just nosy.
19. I'm very sarcastic.
20. I looked up the symptoms of chronic depression and almost every one fits how I've felt for the past week or so.
21. Hopelessness is a really common feeling for me.
22. I want to be 16 so badly.
23. Maruchen is the best brand of ramen noodles (in my opinion).
24. I love the show 24 even though most of the gore in it makes me turn away and cover my eyes.
25. I'm afraid of change and not afraid of it at the same time.

I revised my 101 Things in 1001 Days list (original found here) quite a bit, and since I don't think I've even MENTIONED it here yet, I figured I'd post the updated list here, so people have an idea of what I'm up to. I'm asking to not be judged for this... some of these goals are pretty personal, but I'm posting them anyway.


( Revised list... )
I'll be posting any updates on mission 101 from now on, aside from the occasional mention here.

Discovery of the day:

       The boyfriend gives a-mazing back massages.
       REALLY nice to find out after shoveling an ice-coated driveway.

       I is lucky. :)

A single person turns everything around and lets me know that I DO matter, I AM worth it, and it'll all be fine. Better than fine, in fact.

I don't know what it is I did to deserve him, but I thank God every day that he's mine.

I was looking through old posts and realized that I have read several of the books on this list since I last posted. So I'm gonna revise and repost :D

( Behind a cut this time... )


There. I'm pretty sure I caught all the ones I'd read since. I think I'd have to say my favorites of the ones I've read since July are Rebecca and Atonement. I recommend both of them to anyone.

I'm just so tired and my head is so full of things to think about. Ever have that feeling? I'm sure you have.

What do you do when you lose a friend for no reason at all?

Things are pretty good, I suppose. A little insane. A little stressful. I like lists, so here you are:

1. Devon and I are a month and four days (and running). Things are absolutely great, he's more amazing every day... but this week has been hard. There was a paper he didn't turn in on time, so when progress reports came out he had an F in English. He's since turned the paper in and it should change his grade, but his English teacher has decided to be slow and not grade it yet (even though it's been a week). And until he brings home proof that his grade is up again, he's not allowed to see me out of school except on weekends. So I haven't spent a minute outside of class with him since Sunday. :/ It's not fun and has made this week, which is already bad enough being the last week before Christmas break, even longer.

2. My brother's come home from college for two weeks... he's so different and yet exactly the same. We haven't gotten to talk much yet - the most I saw him was last night when he got here, and all of his friends came over.

3. Christmas!!! It's hectic because I'm not even close to done with gifts (all of which are at least partially handmade), but thankfully I've got the money now to get everything I need.

4, Um... I dunno. Haha, truthfully there aren't a lot of separate things going on. Just major stuff that is making things crazy. I just felt like I was neglecting LJ, so here you are :)

I was on the phone with my boyfriend today and at one point, his little sister asked him to play Uno. He agreed because usually his sister's really whiney and immature, but she was in a good mood, so he played a few games while he was talking to me. It was okay, except that once or twice he stopped paying attention to what I was saying. No big deal, and he stopped playing after a little while, so it was fine.

Then later, we both decided just for fun to make Miis of each other on our Wiis, just so we could kind of make fun of each other with it. We did that, then did a few games of bowling to see who was better. (On our separate game systems, of course.) While we were doing this, his sister joined in and I didn't mind at all since he was talking to me the whole time. Then after I decided to stop playing, his sister wanted to play tennis. So... he did. And this was no big deal at first, but then he had to plug his phone in and put it on speaker so he could still "talk" and move freely. Eventually, he started to just talk to his sister and kind of ignore me, to be frank.

Yeah, this bugged me. It wasn't that he was playing with his sister - I know how she can be, so I was glad she was in a good mood for once - but I'd have preferred him just say "hey, I'll talk to you later" instead of just letting me sit there, feeling stupid, listening to them. So eventually I just said "I have to go" and got off the phone.

The thing about me is that I am SO easily annoyed and angered. I probably shouldn't have been so irritated, but I really was. I sent him a text message a few minutes later, when I was still pretty wired, saying "would it have been clearer if i'd just hung up without a word or something?" He said "what do you mean?" And I replied with "Just forget it. Have fun with your sister." 

After a couple more messages I'd calmed down and realized how stupid I was being, so I called (because communicating through text messages is pretty hard) and explained (haltingly, because my tear ducts were causing my voice to falter - yes, I AM that stupid) that I really wasn't that angry, that I just would rather him have gotten off the phone than make me sit there. And I expected - well, what reaction would YOU expect? I thought he would have been irritated at ME. Especially because of the text messages I said above, and the ones after - I was pretty sure that even though they were just typed words, he could tell I was snapping at him. But he was UNDERSTANDING. He apologized again (he'd done so in a text message also) and said that I was right, that he shouldn't have ignored me, that I wasn't really overreacting. That it was okay. All of this with no irritation or anger in his voice at all.

How can someone be so understanding? Just the other day I was telling him that if anything messed us up, it would be me and my stupid temper. I was hoping never to be upset at him. And it ended up happening, and he didn't lash back, or decide I wasn't worth it anymore - he brushed over it with no problem. I'm still really surprised. Can someone really be that understanding, and care for me that much that even with my temper, I'm still worth it to him?

I think I might have the best boyfriend in the world. I really do.

Wow.

It's all I can say.

In the spirit of getting to bed soon, I'm going to just make a quick list.

1) An. AMAZING. Guy. Has told me. He returns. My feelings.
2) We are going to try and work everything out tomorrow.
3) I may or may not be dating someone in twenty-four hours.
4) I love my life.

I should also say that as a result of this, I've had much less time to write than I hoped. And thus, I'm kind of failing at NaNo.

But I have to admit... I don't care all that much.

My NaNoWriMo plot in 50 words or less: Cinderella's slipper fits her older stepsister and she's taken away to marry the prince instead of Cinderella! When  by some out-of-character motive, the sister invites Cinderella to be a maid at the castle, Cinderella has to watch her 'true love' with someone else and try to solve the mystery of what went wrong.

I could explain it waaayyy better, but it's 6:35 A.M. :)

What's wrong with me? I have so wholly neglected you, LiveJournal!!!

Random freakout. It's over now. I really don't know how that many months passed, though. Anyway... there's a lot to tell, and if I wasn't so tired I would. I really would. I can summarize it though! I'll make a list. I love lists.

1) NANOWRIMO IN 3 DAYS!!! *faints*
2) I got my class ring in the mail today! It's pretty :D
3) Drama club keeps me so. Busy.
4) NANO. 3 days.
5) Good Lord, Rebecca is an incredible book.
6) I get to see Changeling with Bradley on Friday!
7) All As for the first grading period! *dances*
8) I'm playing oboe for concert band :D
9) NaNoWriMo is in 3 days.
10) I believe I've gone clinically insane.

I guess, since I'm, you know... a writer, I should update every now and then. And since I've been more active around here lately, why not make it a point to update every now and then? Hence, my writing updates.

A lot going on, really. I'm working on my Harry Potter fanfiction WIP, Clandestine (15+), a lot. There are three chapters so far but I'm about half done with the fourth; I'm hoping to have that up this week. I'm also participating in a ton of challenges over at SAYS, and working on two one-shots of my own choice; "Wishing Well", a next-generation romance of sorts, and something else, which is entirely secret for the time being. A lot on my plate, I know... I really, really want to finish Wishing Well, but I seem to be stuck. I might try a rewrite, and see how that goes. I'd love to finish it by August.

Original fiction-wise, there's also some major stuff going on. I'm outlining Muse, the idea I've been thinking about for months now - hopefully I can start writing soon, though I want to at least finish deciding on names first and have a basic outline planned out. This is something I'm very excited and hopeful about - I want to go all the way with this one, if there's any way I can.  I'm also working on my new idea for NaNoWriMo this year - it might be too complex to work out in 30 days, but I'm considering it. The other option, of course, is to write something completely incoherent - which would be fun, actually. I might just have to.

That's basically it for right now - I haven't done a whole lot of poetry lately, aside from a couple of bits of crap. Hopefully that will pick up again soon.

Yep. I'm making a list. And then I'm gonna make you make the same list. :D You love me, right?

1. Read my list. Giggle. Laugh. Roll eyes. Headdesk.
2. Make a list of your own in your journal. Or,you know, not.
3. By the way, I thought of this myself... even though it's probably freakishly similar to many other - what are they called - memes? Whatever. To me it's a list.

That's it!

1. I'm a very sarcastic person. (I'm POSITIVE you didn't know THAT one)
2. I have a very irrational fear of all insects.
3. I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies.
4. I don't care how awesome Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are, I will never in my life watch Brokeback Mountain.
5. I eat with my left hand, like a European, even though I'm right handed.
6. Adrien Brody, Casey Affleck, and Sean Astin, in tht order, are my three most favorite actors. (Sometimes I border fangirliness with them)
7. I read Pride and Prejudice when I was 12.
8. I was born approx. 1065 miles from where I live now.
9. I'm allergic to dust. Yep. Actually allergic to it.
10. I wrote my very first story (aside from mandatory school assignments) in a purple fuzzy notebook with a unicorn on the cover. (It had a matching fuzzy pen). I was seven.
11. I was a Neopets nerd when I was younger. On the account I actually kept track of, I think I had around a million Neopoints. Lmao.
12. I have no tonsils! Or atenoids! And these fascinating disappearances both occurred at the same time! Yay.
13. I've been called "effervescent." (Gahhhh, that made me giggle. In a good way.)
14. I've also been called "emo." (That made me giggle more. In a not-good way.)
15. I'm over 50% Irish.
16. I'm very jumpy - I emit an awkward, squeak-like noise when I'm startled (which is often :P).
17. I like smileys :D
18. My dad knew Tim McGraw when he was a kid. (Which has nothing to do with me. I don't even like country music.)
19. I don't like the Twilight books. (And I'm perfectly prepared for the rabid fangirls' attacks against me.)
20. I'm a Christian.
21. I'm not interested in myself enough to make this list longer, so I'm cutting it at 21.

Booo. You did something bad, but you're a celebrity, so let's all treat you like you're three and "didn't know better." Oh, you claim you didn't do it? Great! We believe you. Of course we do.

All I want to know is, why the hell does the media think this contributes to the "aura of darkness" surrounding the movie? a) It's real life, not the film. b) Getting arrested for assault is not dark. It's stupid.

Case closed. I hate society.